One evening, just under a month ago I noticed a rampage of Twitter notifications. Wondering what tweet had led to so much attention I was shocked to suddenly see my notifications stream full of hateful messages including…. “you deserve to go to jail”, “you’re so plastic” and “you should be arrested”.
Taking a mindful breath, what emerged was that #danimathers was trending on Twitter and my handle @matthews_dani had been mistaken for her. For those who haven’t heard the story, playboy model Dani Mathers body shamed a woman by sharing a naked picture in a LA Fitness gym on snapchat with the caption: “If I can’t see unsee this then you can’t either”. The picture allegedly meant to go to one person went to all her followers. Here’s one of the many articles covering this story.
Since the incident, Dani has been dropped by LA Fitness, fired from her radio station job and is under police investigation. Although a case of mistaken identity and not personal to me I felt the hatred in the online attack and some empathy for Dani. Her unthoughtful action breached a privacy rule, was demeaning and I believe should be punished but the issue has escalated to another level.
We are all human, not perfect and have moments of misjudgment. Think about a time where you’ve sent something to a friend that you’d be mortified if it got sent to everyone in your network. Or a moment when you’ve accidentally hit reply all on an email. We can learn the most from mistakes like these, unfortunately for Dani her moment of misjudgment has been amplified onto a global level.
Due to the online hate she has deleted her social media accounts (maybe why my Twitter handle was picked up!). When is enough, enough? Dani’s actions have led to public humiliation, job loss and police investigation. Shouldn’t this be enough to learn her lesson without online bullying attacks known as ‘online trolls’ who may know nothing about her as a person?
This incident is unfortunately one of many with other recent examples including Sam Frost’s saddening announcement that battles with online trolls has ‘broken her’ , the Republicans hateful chanting towards Hilary Clinton and more recently Olympic Swimmer Mack Horton trolled by Chinese swimmer Sun Yang’s fans. I’ve heard of closer to home examples of teenage bullying on Facebook and online platforms can provide a space to hide behind.
Discussing this over brunch with girlfriends recently it emerged that a lot of this online bullying is from and towards women. As I’ve written about previously, Women Let’s Give Each Other a Break. People’s mental health is severely at risk here, I call for less judgement of others and more compassion. Think how would you respond to the issue if the person being implicated was a close friend or family member? Talking with my aunty we reflected before social media remarks would be in closed community networks. Now they can become global trends. One of the dark sides of social media.
Dani’s public embarrassment does teach some valuable lessons for others:
- Don’t post anything you wouldn’t say to someone’s face
- Pause before you hit send and do a sense check – if the last person I wanted to see this did how would I feel?
- Before you react to any social abuse, the system can self-sort – I didn’t reply to any of the messages defensively and what emerged was a number of people saying you’ve got the wrong Dani and no more abuse came in.
In summary, I think Dani Mather’s insensitive act deserves punishment but not all the online bullying. Everyone’s entitled to an opinion but to then personally attack someone you don’t know if a whole other level. In light of recent terror attacks I think we need to take perspective and I call for more compassion, especially between females. Interested to hear what others think.
Great to collaborate with a fellow passionate working mum Claire de Carteret on this article exploring finding the perfect imbalance.
As two busy working mums often on the go, let’s start by exploring what balance or imbalance means / looks like for you?
Claire: Balance is the symbol of calm and control. A perfect symmetry of harmony and perfection. Control and precision as a leader, as a parent, as a partner, as a friend. A seamless synchronisation of life – from nutrition, fitness, sleep and professional success. We spend our time trying to achieve this balance, yet it is always out of our grasp in the increasingly dynamic world that we live in. And I have recently concluded that this quest to find the perfect balance has been leading many of us to a feeling of failure.
Dani: I agree with Claire that a quest to find the perfect balance has been leading many of us to a feeling of failure. As I’ve written about previously, I believe you can have it all……in the longterm. At different times in life we lean into different things, for me these have included my career, an ironman triathlon and traveling. At this stage, I’m leaning into family with a 14 month old baby and this does have knock on effects in other areas of life. I can’t keep my pre baby balance of training up, socialising, networking events or working late. Supermum is a myth! If I try to do it all I will burn out quickly and not be present for any of it. I think about keeping a bit of each element of my wellness wheel rather than losing a chunk completely. I’ve found discovering your ‘non negotiables’ is key to this. An example for me is at least 30 minutes of me time a day where I can either, exercise, meditate or relax in a radox bath!
What are others saying on this topical subject?
Claire: There are many perspectives on this quest for balance. Dr Libby Weaver describes the phenomenon as ‘Rushing Women’s Syndrome’ and defines it as a need to be everything to everyone. To not let anyone down and to be in control in all situations. This need to please is causing us all to rush from one aspect of life to another, as our to-do list grows rapidly in our heads. In my role as a coach and leader, I know that this quest for balance does not exist just for women. We constantly put pressure on ourselves to be the fittest, healthiest, most successful employee and most present parent that we can be…often this is to the detriment of ourselves and our ability to perform at our best in any given task. We are spreading ourselves too thin! I endorse a strengths-based approach where the highest performers are specialists in their areas of strengths, not generalists. Research via Dr Donald Clifton shows that people are not naturally well-rounded but that their greatest path to excellence is to develop in their areas of natural potential, rather than trying to fix weaknesses.
Dani: Linking to Dr Libby Weaver’s ‘Rushing Women’s Syndrome’ I read an alarming article in the Sydney Morning Herald a few months ago: ‘Working Mothers put their health second, research shows’ Nutritionist Kate Freeman shared: “There is a lot of pressure for mums to ‘keep up appearances’, whether it’s juggling a career with motherhood, or keeping the family household running smoothly,” …..”Unsurprisingly, guilt plays a big part in this.” “As a mother, we often become so focused on keeping our kids healthy and happy that we overlook our own needs.” This takes me back to ensuring we have our ‘non negotiables’ in place with looking after our own health one of them. Building on Claire’s point that this quest for balance does not just exist for women, it’s important to remember men often have similar pressure. My husband Owain recently wrote a blog: Managing it All? and shares: “More and more I’m asked about how I manage my training alongside coaching, a full-time job and spending quality time with my family. As much as I’d love to say it’s all down to my amazing efficiency and organisation, the truth is, it’s hard, it doesn’t always work, I have to be adaptable and I get a lot of help!”
From your experience, what are some tips you’d like to share with others to help them find their perfect imbalance:
- Return to true connection – being in the moment and not in the head thinking about what else you need to do and where else you need to be.
- Discover what are your ‘non negotiables’ and make them a priority – i.e. 30minutes of me time a day.
- Schedule yourself a recharge, digital detox day to regain perspective.
- Stay focused on your vision in the most important aspects of your life. Hold that vision up and ensure that you activities and business is aligned to the accomplishment of that vision.
- Have a coach keep you accountable to your goals.
- Learn to say no, you can’t do it all.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
- Forget balance. Let the pendulum swing from one side to another, knowing that this momentum will determine exactly where you need to be at that moment based on priority of goals and values.
Any final words from you both:
Claire: As a coach, I encourage people to shift away from finding the perfect balance and to accept the ‘perfect imbalance’. The perfect imbalance is an alignment of personal, business and professional goals. It is the acknowledgement that at times some aspects of life take a back seat to whatever is a priority at the time. I encourage coaches to work towards shorter and longer term goals around these three aspects of their life and their role.
Dani: When this topic comes up in conversation with people at all different stages of life I encourage them to lean into what’s right for them at that moment, be present and really feel into this life not letting it pass us by on autopilot. Let’s take the pressure off and find our perfect imbalance.
We would love to hear any thoughts from your own experience.
Image citation: nolimitssportsandfitness.com
How much of your day do you feel that your body’s in stress versus recovery mode?
Whilst we can have a guestimate ourselves, there is a way to take a more scientific approach via heart rate variability testing. I recently went through three days of this in the form of a Lifestyle assessment followed by a debrief with wellness accountant Gitana Gataveck. Here I share my learnings.
Why is this important?
To be at our best and achieve optimal performance in all aspects of life I truly believe we need adequate time to recover to avoid burnout. I often share the Corporate Athlete analogy in the workplace popularised by this great HBR article. Executives like elite athletes need adequate recovery time to perform at their best. How many times do we go from one project to the next without time to recover? If this was the case in elite sport going from race to race without any tapering or recovery you would soon burn out.
What is heart rate variability and how can it inform us?
Gitana described heart rate variability in simple terms of ‘how the heart opens’, the Firstbeat report states:
“Measurement of heart rate variability gives accurate information about your body’s stress reactions and recovery response as well as the intensity of exercise.
The goal is to find a balance between work and leisure and between activity and rest. It is not essential to eliminate stress, but to ensure sufficient recovery and find a manageable rhythm to life.”
Following the three days of testing with a First beat heart rate variability monitor I was given a debrief exploring how much time was spent in the red (stress), blue (exercise) and green (recovery) zones.
The process gave me some useful evidence to things I had a gut feel about:
- Alcohol effects sleep recovery – Whilst I can feel that the quality of my sleep is affected by alcohol my results showed this clearly as you can see in this image. Gitana describes alcohol like a painkiller that numbs us making us feel relaxed when it actually has the opposite effect on the body. Whilst I will not be becoming tee total (all for everything in moderation) it has made me think do I really need that one or two drinks especially if I’m tired, knowing the effect it has on my sleep.
- Lunchtime exercise is a great thing – This image shows the effect of me breaking up a day in the office with a lunchtime run. Proof to all the bosses out there that lunchtime exercise should be encouraged to help get people out of the stress zone into working those h
eart and lungs. As well as it being good for my body I find, whenever I head out for a lunch time run I come back with an insight that has a positive effect on my work too.
- Mindfulness practice gets me in the green zone and it doesn’t have to be long – This image shows me doing a 15 minute body scan in the morning, starting the day with some green zone recovery. One thing I love about the internet is that you can type in the length of guided mediation you’re after and find it. I recently found this half an hour body scan by mindfulness guru Jon Kabat-Zinn which is my current favourite.
Additionally a few new insights emerged:
Quality family time at home gets me in the green zone – Whilst I love quality family time at home I hadn’t explicitly thought that it would be helping me recover from stressors in life. My report clearly showed that quality time at home including morning snoozing / cuddles with the boys and relaxing on the couch watching a movie put me in the green zone. A lesson here, don’t feel guilty about that restful time, it might be just what your body needs!
It’s the quality versus quantity of exercise that matters – Being a fulltime working mum my exercise quantity has dropped dramatically from pre baby ironman training. I call my training opportunistic and take the opportunities when I can to pump the heart and lungs for shorter 20-60 minutes sessions. In the debrief with Gitana it became evident how effective even the short 20 minute bursts were at exercising my heart and lungs and increasing my VO2 level.
Going out to lunch doesn’t get me into recovery – I love catching up with friends for lunch for social connection and fun/laughter. One thing I discovered through my debrief is that this keeps me in the red zone and not into the green zone. When time is limited and I know the importance of exercise and recovery I think how can you incorporate this with your friends. I’ve started having some walking catch ups or a 30 minute meditation session followed by lunch. On a Saturday morning a group of us go to Pilates/Barre then have brunch.
Whilst the above are true for me, it’s important to note that one size doesn’t fit all and it’s important to discover the restorative activities that work for you. Gitana shared for some that returning home from work can be stressful on the body and watching horror movies. The beauty of the lifestyle testing is that you can try out a few things and see what works for you. My results showed I had increased green zone time on the weekend compared to the week.
So where to from here? A few of my actions / tips that might help inspire others if right for you:
- Get yourself an accountability buddy for lunchtime exercise / meditation
- Don’t feel guilty about pressing snooze if you feel like your body and mind need a rest
- Aim for at least 30 minutes in your workday of dedicated green zone time
What are you depositing into your wellness account?
I’ve been feeling quite reflective lately after the passing of a couple of well-loved people in my network. This post seemed timely to revisit, which I started drafting after watching a TED talk on ‘What makes a good life?’ (referred by a friend). It follows on nicely from my last post ‘Keep the main thing, the main thing’ centred on the importance of relationships.
The TED talk by Robert Waldinder which I highly recommend shares lessons from the longest study on happiness via Harvard.
Robert is the fourth Director of the 75 year study tracking the lives of 724 men which is now following their wives (who said it’s about time!) and over 2000 children. The study of adult development has looked at their work, home lives (including intimate conversations with their wives) and health (including medical records). The men were a split group of Harvard Sophomores and a group from one of Boston’s poorest neighbourhoods.
So what have they learned to date? Robert shares: “Well, the lessons aren’t about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.” To all my wonderful single friends, don’t worry a husband or a wife is not the answer. He shares it’s not about being married (study cites you can be lonely in a marriage) but the quality of your relationships versus quantity.
I think this is an important message, especially in an era of reality TV, more and more screen time and increasing complexity in the workplace. In a world where fame and money are often glorified by our youth and viewed as the route to happiness a timely message that in fact what’s the most crucial are those real relationships.
The thing that struck me the most with the study’s findings was that at age 50 it wasn’t cholesterol levels that best predicted health at 80 it was how satisfied the men were in their relationships.
This triggered a few thoughts:
- I look around in our local community which has a large elderly demographic and am inspired by the connections I see. There is a flourishing community swimming at the beach every morning, afterwards having coffee with laughs and conversations. As Robert shares, living in the midst of strong, warm relationships is protective. Relationships protect our bodies and brains.
- As we finalise our daycare choice for Ethan one of the centres asked us for our most important decision criteria. We both concurred that our priority is that he is cared for in an environment where he’s having fun and positive relationships are fostered with the other children.
- With a lot of our family and friends overseas I reflected on the quality of virtual vs face to face relationships. Although there’s no substitute for an in person hug, I do think maintaining connectivity virtually can be equally effective as face to face. With a strong initial relationship you can talk about anything without the need for small talk. Through regularly skyping my parents and sister Holly, giving them a chance to interact with Ethan, I feel like the quality of our time together is still as strong as ever.
Towards the end of his talk, Robert provokes, if you were going to invest now in your future best self, where would you put your time and energy? What might leaning into new relationships look like if you’re 25, 40 or 60? This has prompted me to set some goals including in the areas of family, friends and giving back to the community which I’ll be doing with accountability buddy in a few weeks. It also affirmed the social capital approach I like to take to life, a rewarding relationship based approach to areas including work and exercise.
So what makes a good life? I think there are a plethora of factors including health, well-being, purpose and meaningful work. As Robert so convincingly shares however, the most important being good relationships. As I read recently in ‘The 50 rules of work’ shared by another friend (love the sharing of inspirations): “Work hard. But build an exceptional family life. What’s the point of reaching the mountaintop but getting there alone? “ At the core of my relationships are those with husband Owain and baby Ethan. Owain always helps me keep perspective and you may enjoy his latest blog on: Managing it all
I’ll finish with Robert’s closing message of “Lean into connections with family, friends and community” and a few tips from him and a couple of my own to begin this process if not already:
- Replace screen time with people time
- Liven up a relationship by doing something new together
- Reach out to that family member who you haven’t spoken to in years
- Head to a local store rather than making that online purchase
- Look at what events are coming up in your local community and get involved
I was given this advice from another working mum when I returned back to work recently after maternity leave. Her wise words have stuck with me and provided inspiration for this blog. I reflected that the main thing for me at this time is focusing on relationships with others.
Keeping perspective whilst back in the workforce
My few couple of weeks back at work were great. I was on a high in the strategy and ideation phase of a new purposeful role. By the end of my fourth week I could start to feel some work pressure after multiple back to back meetings, a couple of big deadlines and a backlog of emails.
After leaving the office on Friday I unplugged and met husband Owain and baby Ethan in our local village and headed down to the beach for our triathlon club’s aquathon. I took Ethan to play on the grass and watching him grab the grass and babble at the birds immediately took my mind off the busy week.
Through my own experience and connection to many corporate workers, I know it’s easy to fall into a routine of longer work hours, cutting out lunch breaks and not being present with others when things build up. I question, is this good for our relationships? Shouldn’t we be keeping the main thing and getting home to family and friends. The to do list and emails will still be there tomorrow.
Some wise advice
I feel lucky in my life to have people around who help me keep perspective when things get ‘busy’. I remember asking my mentor a few years ago how she dealt with email overload in her GM role. She shared a thought that you’re not going to be remembered for having a clean inbox. She suggested creating a few check ins a day that you will be remembered for. I often think after a day at work have I helped someone today?, have my actions progressed towards some greater good? and have I appreciated something? What would yours be?
My aunty, (now a great aunty – which she says has always been the case) turned 60 recently. During table speeches at a celebratory dinner I asked her what she’s learnt along the way. The stand out thing she shared in her humerous ab fab style was ”most of it is bollocks, the things that matter most are your relationships.” My uncle shared a similar life learning at his 60th – ”don’t sweat the small stuff.”
My biggest inspiration for keeping the main thing the main thing is Owain who does it naturally with his strong values and laid back nature. He helps me relax and appreciate the ordinary, which I now treasure more than the extraordinary. Watching the beautiful interactions between him and Ethan every day helps me keep perspective. On our weekends, time together, no matter what we’re doing is the most important thing.
A piece of inspiration
I’m just coming to the end of Turia Pitt’s book ‘Everything to Live For.’. For those who aren’t aware Turia survived after being caught in a fire in an ultramarathon sustaining over 60% burns to her body. What grasped me most reading her story was the power of her relationships, especially with that of her mum Celestine and now fiancé Michael, who called themselves the three amigos supporting Turia to her recovery.
We had the privilege to train with Turia and Michael at the Energy Link New Year triathlon camp in Jindabyne. Turia who has an infectious zest for life is now signed up for an Ironman this year after first being told she wouldn’t be able to run again, inspirational! With a network of great relationships I believe we can all become the best versions of ourselves and that anything is possible.
To finish, a couple of thoughts to help us all keep the main, thing the main thing:
*Spend some time reflecting on what the main thing/s are for you?
*What can you do better today to connect with someone you love?
After a great weekend with family and friends, some overseas family skypes and card writing to my Grandmas, I encourage you to keep the main thing, the main thing.
As I transition back into the workforce I reflect on the past nine months of maternity leave. I have learnt so much from my precious time with baby Ethan and thought I’d share the stand out learnings that may inspire others.
#1 Accept and ask for help. Having grown up priding myself as an independent woman it does not come naturally to ask for help. However, with a new baby and our immediate family overseas it became essential to both accept help and ask for it. I’ve found this process liberating as I’ve gotten more used to it and see it as a win-win. People don’t generally offer help unless they’d like to and choosing not to feel guilty about it as written about here allows you to be more present with your experiences.
#2 Embrace community. We are very fortunate to be part of a wonderful triathlon community which has welcomed Ethan with open arms. Whilst on maternity leave we have also met a wonderful network of mums and gotten to know our local business community (Ethan is the lululemon store mascot!). I believe in the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and feel fortunate he has so many great role models around him.
#3 Laugh lots. – Hanging out with Ethan who giggles tens of times a day is contagious. My husband Owain and I have laughed through the highs and lows of parenting. As my friend the Fonginator says: “If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right.” I’m inspired to not take things too seriously heading back into the workplace and laugh even more.
#4 Learn from strangers. Growing up kids are often taught not to talk to strangers, as an adult however this can be very insightful (whilst keeping your wits about you!). In the past nine months I have spoken to more strangers being out and about with Ethan than ever before. This has enabled me to learn about different cultures, countries and experiences. Having a baby has been a good excuse to initiate these conversations as I’ve heard having a dog is too. I plan to take this forward when he’s not around including on my commute, in the coffee line and lifts and try to avoid too much time glued to the phone!
#5 Learn to say no – With one of my top strengths being ‘maximising’ I’ve had an action packed maternity leave filled with coffees and lots of new experiences. I’ve learnt along the way however that with a new baby a balance is needed and less can be more, especially when establishing a routine. Tim Ferriss shared some memorable thinking on this subject inspired via an essay by philosopher-programmer Derek Sivers. His rule of thumb is thinking “hell, yeah” or “no” when deciding on what to do. I’ve learnt that your gut instinct will let you know pretty soon whether something is a ‘hell yeah’ opportunity, follow it!
#6 Appreciation versus expectation – This is perhaps the biggest and most life changing lesson learnt on maternity leave which came to me during a trip to Hawaii. Inspired by a Tony Robbins quote: “Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world changes in an instant.” I devoted a blog post to it which can be read here. An example is dropping the expectation to write this blog in one setting and appreciating the interruptions from the little man!
#7 Patience is a virtue – As any first time parent will know raising a baby has its tests of patience from settling them to sleep, to starting solids to the transition to crawling. When I was younger my dad regularly said to me ‘patience is a virtue’ which I now understand…..to wait calmly, without getting agitated or angry. My mindfulness teaching and practice has definitely helped with this. I believe you can turn your frustration into a meditation opportunity by focusing on the agitation 🙂 A great example I heard was a screaming baby on a flight. Sounds are a great reminder of the present and being alive, however agitating. I use this with sirens.
#8 Look around with curiosity – I have loved watching Ethan look at the world in wonder and discover things from his hands, to his feet as described in How can we bring wonder back into our lives. Heading back to the workplace I have a blank journal ready to scribe my curious thoughts in, looking at things with fresh opens.
#9 Know your value – As Sheryl Sandberg advocates in ‘Lean In’ I believe maternity leave is an opportunity to move forwards not backwards in your career. Recognising your worth and value is key to this including the transferable skills acquired during your time out. I feel that I will return to the workforce more worldly and productive having had a baby. I am excited to be going back to IECL in a new role to continue to learn and grow.
Now ready to embrace the next chapter of a working mum and daddy day care taking forward these lessons learnt. I’d like to finish by taking the opportunity to say a big thank you to all my helpers during maternity leave (you know who you are xxx).
“Life is a series of moments.”
Are you making the most of yours?
This month I was saddened, like many others to hear the news of Laurent Vidal passing away. Laurent was a well-loved member of the triathlon community, fiancé of Andrea Hewitt and double Olympian. It was reported he passed peacefully in his sleep of a heart attack at the tender age of 31. Whilst not knowing Laurent personally, I had seen him race and it felt very close to home that a fit young man could be taken away so suddenly.
In the wake of the Paris terror attacks, and so many tragic stories we read about every day, I reflected on these lives lost and found myself thinking what it all meant to me?
Parts of the future are uncertain for us all, some of this exciting and also a little unnerving. The message I took away, was a feeling empathy for the family and friends of the deceased and a feeling of gratitude to be on this wondrous earth. I decided to make even more of a conscious effort every day to cherish moments.
Here are some lessons I’ve synthesised after recent events and life learnings:
Don’t sweat the small stuff, keep perspective
It’s easy to sweat the small stuff, play the victim in life and wallow in self-pity. I like many can fall into this trap at times. However I truly believe we have a choice to snap ourselves out of this and times of tragedy should spur us on even more to keep perspective.
Practical Tip: Try some perspective taking self-talk when you’re bothered by the small stuff. One saying I’ve picked up recently is Ironman World Champion Mirinda Carfrae’s “It’s time to toughen up princess!”. Another is “First world problems.”
Take your opportunities
Although we may like to plan, nothing is an absolute and we need to grasp and take opportunities when we can. My husband Owain lives by this example and inspires me to do the same.
Practical Tip: Try something new over the next month, life’s too short not to.
Live rather than leave your legacy
I read a great blog post by my friend Oscar Trimboli stating: A legacy is something you live rather than something you leave. The opening to this blog which is well worth a read says: “A legacy is a state of mind. It is something you do every day rather than something you think about later on. Your legacy is a habit; it’s about consistency and daily improvements rather than an individual event.”
Practical Tip: Reflect on these few questions. The first two are inspired by Sir Clive Woodward who utilised these to help unite the GB teams in the London 2012 Olympic Games: What do I want to be remembered for? What do I want to remember this time for? And a new one inspired by Oscar, are you living your legacy?
Be the best version of yourself
Earlier this month before hearing of the tragic events mentioned, I had the privilege of watching Turia Pitt race in the Forster Challenge. For those who don’t know Turia’s story, she became trapped in a grassfire in a 100 kilometre ultra-marathon in September 2011 suffering 65% burns to her body. She has made a choice to live her legacy and inspiring many others around her to become the best version of themselves.
Practical Tip: Smile and laugh often, when we’re happy it’s much easier to be the best version of ourselves. Baby Ethan’s daily giggles and gurgles help inspire me with this one.
I hope these tips help others to cherish more moments.
Whilst on holidays in Hawaii recently I read a quote on Instagram shared by Sunny Garcia by Tony Robbins:
“Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world changes in an instant.”
They say timing is everything and for me this really struck a chord. In Kona on the Big Island surrounded by the world’s fittest Ironmen athletes I had set the expectation to do some form of training each day.
I started well with two subsequent runs and a swim and then things became harder looking after Ethan, hanging out with friends and supporting my husband Owain’s movements, who was there to race.
When I saw this quote I thought drop the expectations of training everyday whilst you’re here and just appreciate it when you can. This immediately changed my mindset. Instead of any disappointment that I couldn’t sometimes get a session in I just appreciated every moment spent with Ethan, Owain, friends and the natural wonder of Hawaii.
What expectations in your life could you drop and trade for appreciation?
When returning to Sydney from Hawaii I had planned to race a local club triathlon and another sprint triathlon before Christmas. Without adequate training for it and still breastfeeding very frequently I thought I’m going to drop this expectation and focus on appreciating this precious time with Ethan before I return to work. Triathlon will still be there when Ethan grows up and not so dependent on me. This felt liberating and relieved the pressure I had unconsciously put on myself.
The thinking was affirmed when I caught up with a friend who is recovering from an injury. She has been working with a mediation series themed on acceptance versus resistance. The point I takeaway is: Letting go of always striving for more + Accepting and taking what you can from the present moment = Liberation
So devil’s advocate may say this approach is just giving up and turning away from goals….
I believe there is definitely a place for expectations and goals at the right time for you. As I wrote about previously you can have it all…in the long term and why I set myself a mindfulness schedule.
At this current stage however, I find this thinking refreshing and believe we can probably all learn from giving ourselves an expectation break and appreciating the wonder around us 🙂
My tips for bringing more appreciation into your life:
- Every morning think of three things you’re grateful for
- Share with others what you appreciate about them
- Drop thinking about what you ‘should’ be doing
Would love to hear any of your thoughts on this topic.
After going through an 8 week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Program (MBSR) last year when I was pregnant I have struggled of late to integrate formal mindfulness practice into my routine. I can come up with all sorts of excuses of being a new mum, iron wife, pursing multiple projects etc., BUT instead I will take ownership for its demise. I haven’t made it a priority and started to feel the tired, less attentive effects like when I don’t find time for physical activity.
So being an action oriented, thoughts into action kind of gal I thought what am I going to do about it? On a recent walk I created space for this insight to emerge, I’m going to set myself a mindfulness schedule like I have for physical activity when training for a triathlon race.
Why? Having the accountability of a training program helps keep me motivated and focused. I also like keeping things varied with different lengths of activity, indoor/outdoor settings etc. Here’s an example of a week’s program I have pulled together to start with. To me, this to be looks achievable whilst being mum, ironwife, managing some mumpreneur projects and wanting to build up my physical training again:
- Monday – 15 minute mountain pose (to start the week strongly)
- Tuesday – 60 minutes of Yoga (mindful movement)
- Wednesday – 15 minute body scan
- Thursday – 30 standing movement practice
- Friday – Rest day
- Saturday – 60 minute sense and savour walk
- Sunday – 30 minute body scan
*Mindfulness practices taken from the MBSR Openground training material
Throughout a weekly schedule, daily informal mindful moments like incidental exercise definitely will help too. For people who participate in events like a day of mindfulness or even the 10 day Vipassana you could design a program to build towards the event.
I hear a lot of people struggle after going through a mindfulness program like MBSR. From anecdotes, I think a lot of that is to do with the course structure and accountability having gone. So, why not try and set yourself a weekly schedule mixing up the different activities to keep it varied and even do some sessions with a buddy/small group?
Think about it, a lot of us have training programs for our bodies but what about our brains?
This may seem foreign for people who haven’t trained in mindfulness practice. If you’re curious or even skeptical and don’t know where to start, a couple of suggestions:
- Meditation for Skeptics App: Dan Harris, a correspondent for ABC News in the US has recently released an app ‘10% Happier: Meditation for Skeptics’ which is a great entry for beginners (and skeptics, which he was one of!). This includes a two week introductory program. I was privileged to hear Dan speak at Wisdom 2.0 Business in New York last year. He likens what’s happening now with the explosion of mindfulness (one of the most googled words of 2014) to the exercise revolution of the 60’s and 70’s. I believe in 5-10 years from now having a mindfulness training program as well as a physical training program will be commonplace in the western world. Funny it’s taken so long for us to catch up with something that has been around for thousands of years with its Buddhist roots
- Mindfulness Summit: Another exciting initiative is the free mindfulness summit, a not for profit event for the 31 days of October. Join me in registering to learn from over 30 of the world’s leading experts on meditation and mindfulness including the legendary Jon-Kabat Zinn. I think the planned series of online interviews, practice sessions and presentations pioneered by Melli O’Brien ofMrsMindfulness.com is a fantastic example of innovation and collective wisdom in action. To me this summit is a testament to the nature of mindfulness practice, people are willing to share and help others rather than hold on to and control material.
Through experience I believe a healthy mind, body connection is the ultimate step towards happiness. To finish I’ll leave you with a thought: If you’re physically very fit, are you consistently mentally in a good place to be present, accepting and non-judgemental to enjoy the benefits of a fit body? If not what will you do about it?
Originally posted on the Huff Post at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dani-matthews/why-i-set-myself-a-mindfulness-schedule_b_8212758.html
Over the last few months I have watched with joy and delight as Ethan has developed his mind/body connection. This has included discovering his eyes, tongue, hands and voice, in each moment looking in absolute wonder at his new found skills. I reflect on that wondrous feeling of discovery and how beneficial bringing a curious mindset can be for influencing motivation and happiness.
One of Ethan’s books ‘On the Day You Were Born’ by Debra Frasier got me thinking a lot and made me curious about this wondrous world again. At the end of the book there is a section ‘More about the World around you’ which describes the reasons behind things such as migrating animals, the spinning earth, pulling gravity, flaming sun, glowing moon and the rising tide. These were things I was fascinated with as a child and it was great to reconnect with them. I question when did I transition to autopilot and not appreciate the wonders of the world every day?
I think Keegan’s Stages of Adult Development may explain part of this. As we go through our teenage years it’s easy to get stuck in the egocentric and socialised phases. Many of us sadly don’t ever get out of these. If we can spend time in the next level of integral / self-authoring I think that’s where more wisdom emerges and wonder appreciated.
So how can we adopt a more curious mindset?
Unlearning: One of my dear colleagues and friends John (JayRay) shared an insight with me once about ‘unlearning’ and how it’s possible to unlearn some habits and patterns of thinking, to bring about new thinking and change. This takes as much time and commitment as learning.
I believe mindfulness practice definitely helps bring us out of autopilot and more present and curious about what’s going on around us. A new app that’s worth exploring is ‘Mindfulness for Fidgety Skeptics’ by Dan Harris which I mention in a recent IECL blog here
Listening to learn: I’m a big believer in when we’re talking we’re not learning and how much wiser we can become through listening. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason 🙂 This can be hard as most of us do love the sound of our own voice and being heard but well worth the wait.
Asking lots of questions:. Think of a young toddler and their constant curiosity, mum why is the sky blue?, dad why do you go to work? These simple, maybe at times frustrating questions can actually push us to our thinking limits. Two of our favourites at IECL are the why and what else question.
Being curious and asking lots of questions goes against the way many of us have been taught through our education, with knowing the answer being the goal. I have been refreshed however to see new styles of teaching emerging here in Australia and globally. I was thrilled to hear some of the concepts being used in the school that my sister Holly teaches at in the UK. They explore a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset with the slogan, I don’t know…….yet. This style of discovery learning builds on potential.
Adopting a more curious mindset has been a journey for me. In my school and university days I would describe myself as a bit of a perfectionist who thrived on knowing the answers. This did me well in terms of grades but I feel I am much wiser for having embraced listening to learn and not taking things at face value. For those perfectionists out there ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brene Brown is worth a read.
To finish, five tips to bring wonder back into our lives:
- Spend time with a baby/toddler in your network
- Read a children’s book
- Start a simple, short mindfulness practice
- Look at a sunrise in wonder as if for the first time
- Ask more why and what else questions